I was laid in bed last night after watching the Conjuring 2. I highly advise NOT to watch it before going to bed by the way, the stupidest thing we could have done!  Thinking that evil demon nun would jump out on us any minute.... fuck it was evil! Who the hell comes up with these ideas anyway!? Weirdos... 
I had really bad stomach pains which was probably due to big bag of crisps that me and Jon shared whilst watching the film. I felt gross, like massive after eating so much shit yesterday.  

I was doing SO well and I thought I had gotten over the whole comfort / emotional eating thing and it turns out I haven’t because I have been doing it so much lately. I didn’t know though! I was in denial again which is what I thought would never happen to me again because I am so in tune with myself now, or so I thought...  

It took me a long time to realise what I was doing wrong and basically slap myself into reality.  

But here’s the reason why it took me a while to realise.... 

Your brain doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not real until you tell it.  

Crazy right? It’s true.  

That’s why you get those people that lie about their life or how much they spend or whatever to make themselves feel better about their life and end up believing what they have told themselves. 
Like before I even started losing weight I was lying to myself about how much food I was eating and what I was eating. 

All this time I was telling myself I was fine, but I wasn’t. That’s why I have been feeling like I’m crumbling lately. But wait, it’s not like I’m sat here eating all day and putting on weight constantly because that’s not what’s happening.  

In fact, I had a few blood tests done to see how my overall health is now and I am officially the healthiest I have ever been!  I no longer have a fatty liver and that was amazing to me. In 5 months, I got rid of my fatty liver and 4 stone down. 

So, you’re probably thinking what the hell is the problem then? 

The problem is that I have been losing control again. That’s what this is all about and it’s the reason why I feel like I do, like I’m failing because I’m losing control.  

The thing about any addiction is that you have to stay in control of yourself and when you lose control even a little bit it can be the worst thing ever. Now I know food isn’t exactly a class A drug or anything but it’s still an addiction for people. 

That’s why when people say weight doesn’t define who you are or how much you weigh isn’t everything. Yes, of course you’re right about that. It shouldn’t define who you are or how people look at you or even how you look at yourself.  

But sadly, it does. Doesn’t it? Especially when you don’t want to be fat. Some people like being big and totally own it which is amazing. That’s not me though, I’ve never wanted to be big. 

And to someone that has a food addiction it really is everything until we beat it. Like every addiction. Someone who is addicted to Nicotine constantly craves it, cigarettes are constantly on their mind. It’s the same thing.  

Anyway! I’ve stayed the same weight for a while and it’s unsatisfying just like the rubbish food I have been eating recently. It’s false satisfaction. I feel awful afterwards eating it.  

Food addiction is real, SO real and it’s the biggest obstacle that I have to overcome. It stems right back to my childhood.  

Like I said before it’s all about your mind set and being real with yourself. If you think you’re getting off track or you’re losing control just stop. Stop what you are doing, have some time alone and really listen to yourself. Listen to what your body is telling you. Stop ignoring the signs and stop shutting your feelings down as soon as they try to speak to you.  

I’m over half way there I need to remember the hard part is already done.  

If you’re going through the same thing right now then I hope this helps you.  

We can do this. It just takes time.

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